When Jalen Hurts needed a human shield, Lane Johnson delivered. When Johnson needed a hype man, Hurts reciprocated. Together, they’re the NFL’s version of The Office’s Jim and Dwight—if Jim could deadlift a truck. Johnson ain’t human, He’s a Marvel character who moonlighted as an NFL tackle. Drafted 4th overall in 2013, he’s played 158 games—all starts—over 12 seasons, missed zero due to injury, and collected six Pro Bowls, two Super Bowl rings, and enough All-Pro nods to build a Christmas tree.

“Nothing but love the past 12 years, and I’m looking forward to many more years to come—love y’all Philly!” Johnson declared this week, shutting down retirement rumors faster than Patrick Mahomes scrambles from a blitz. Cue the collective sigh of relief from Eagles fans—and a very loud side-eye toward Kansas City. Because while Johnson’s sticking around, he’s also got receipts. Let’s dive into the glorious chaos of a 6’6”, 325-pound legend who’s equal parts pancake-block artist and petty king.

Oh, and he once caught a 5-yard TD pass because why not? “My whole goal is to retire an Eagle,” he said last year. Mission not accomplished (yet), thanks to a juicy 2023 extension: 4 years, $80.75M, with $30M guaranteed. That’s $20M a year to bench-press defenders like they’re laundry baskets.

Now Hurts, the stoic QB with a resting “I’ll destroy you” face, calls Johnson the team’s funniest guy. Meanwhile, Johnson—who once crashed a teammate’s wedding with Hurts—praises his QB’s improv skills: “He did a great job… changing plays.” Translation: Jalen’s out here playing Madden on Legend mode.

But here’s the kicker: Johnson’s durability is the stuff of Greek myths. While most O-linemen crumble faster than a cookie in milk, he’s started every game he’s played. Every. Single. One. Even Zeus took naps. And when Jalen Hurts needed a hype man? Johnson was there, gushing, “Jalen’s our guy… nobody puts in more work.” Cue the Rocky training montage music.

“0 Sacks”? Hold my Gatorade–petty mode activated

Rewind to February 2025. The Eagles just stomped the Chiefs 40-22 in Super Bowl LIX, avenging their 2023 heartbreak. But the real drama happened before the game. Picture this: Philly’s locker room, lights low, tension high. Johnson, mic’d up like he’s hosting a TED Talk, drops the ultimate villain origin story.

“Just remember the f—— shirts they had on at their parade,” he growled, referencing Kansas City’s 2023 “0 Sacks” tees—a not-so-subtle jab at Philly’s D-line. “They’re gonna get f—– up tomorrow.” Cut to Mahomes eating grass six times, rookie Cooper DeJean pick-sizing like Deion Sanders and Hurts breaking his own QB rushing record. Johnson? He was out there blocking like he had a personal vendetta against gravity.

The result? Philly’s O-line didn’t just win—they humiliated. Hurts threw 221 yards, 2 TDs, and rushed 72 more, while Saquon Barkley gashed KC for a record 2,504 season yards. Johnson’s revenge tour was so vicious, that even Thanos would’ve blinked.

At 35, Johnson’s still got the footwork of a TikTok dancer and the subtlety of a fireworks show. His contract runs through 2026, but don’t bet against him playing till he’s 40. Why? Because legacy. Because Philly. And because, as he’d say, “Pressure is a privilege.”

So next time Kansas City tries a cheeky T-shirt? Maybe just… don’t. Lane’s watching. And he’s got a long memory—and an even longer highlight reel. Mic drop. Cue “Gonna Fly Now.”