Bill Belichick, the six-time Super Bowl winner with New England, drove into Chapel Hill with a five-year, $50 million contract and a scowl that could curdle sweet tea. To date, the program’s atmosphere is more “NFL legend trying to figure out why 19-year-olds require TikTok provisions in their name, image, and likeness contracts” and less “dynasty builder.” Belichick’s coaching résumé? Legendary. His college football experience? Not extensive.

Bill Belichick’s stint at UNC was a full reboot. He’s replaced deflated footballs with “Carolina Blue Matter” mystery money, hired his sons (Steve and Brian) to lead the defense like a family business venture, and dropped turf for natural grass—because nothing screams “rebuild” like acting like it’s 1985. His coaching staff is a combination of ex-NFL lifers (Freddie Kitchens making play calls!), all while boosters are freaking out about his $1 million out clause after June. Belichick’s “We’re on to Chapel Hill” motivational speeches are given to recruits, but if he starts benching QBs for having TikTok, we will revolt.

Now let’s discuss how Bill Belichick just did his ultimate Belichick play: stealing South Alabama’s Gio Lopez with a 2-year, $4 million contract. “North Carolina, uh, wants to give them a little credit for going out and getting South Alabama’s Gio Lopez,” says ESPN College Football show commentator Greg McElroy on April 24. Lopez, who in his heyday once burned North Texas for 494 yards, now gets to learn the Patriot Way of “throw to the open guy, or else.”

“Go out and acquire Penn State’s Smith Vilbert, who is a veteran solid depth piece there at defense behind Abdul Carter, but had some quality minutes. If not for Abdul Carter, Smith Vilbert could have had a pretty dang good season there,” McElroy said. Bill Belichick’s transfer portal shopping spree continues, and now he’s rolling out the Carolina blue carpet for Smith Vilbert.

Bill Belichick needs to battle like he’s down 28-3 to keep the UNC defensive pest, Beau Atkinson, who just jumped to Ohio State after posting 7.5 sacks and 35 tackles last season. McElroy stated, “One piece that’s in contention presently and their defensive end is Beau Atkinson.” With possibilities being Ohio State’s playoff aspirations and UNC’s “trust the process” PowerPoints, Atkinson’s portal switch is the CFB equivalent of opting for steak over mystery meat.

The transfer that broke Chapel Hill

“Why Stay When You Can Slay?” Beau Atkinson’s mantra. Ditching UNC’s “Carolina Blue Matter” mystery funds for Ohio State’s trophy-polishing squad. The 6’6″ defensive terror just pulled off the ultimate plot twist, trading Bill Belichick’s “Trust the Process” PowerPoints for Ryan Day’s “We Just Won a Natty” confetti showers. Atkinson, UNC’s leader in tackles for loss (12) and sacks (7.5) a year ago, obviously concluded that being the top player on an average ACC defense is like the tallest building in Raleigh—fine, but nobody is throwing a parade for you.

Why quit UNC? Being the top pass rusher at Chapel Hill, compiling 7.5 sacks and 12 tackles for loss, then seeing your coach change from Mack Brown’s grandfather-like vibes to Bill Belichick’s regime. Suddenly, the Tar Heels’ vibe goes from “family barbecue” to “NFL boot camp,” and Atkinson’s like, “Nah, I’ll take my talents somewhere with confetti.” Meanwhile, Ohio State’s out here fresh off a national title, rolling out the scarlet carpet, and needs a guy like him.

Beau Atkinson took one look at UNC’s “Carolina Blue Matter” legal slush fund, Bill Belichick’s Hard Knocks negotiations imploding, and the ACC’s “We’re a Participation Trophy League” energy and said, “Nope.” But they do look great paired with Ryan Day’s natty glow-up. He swapped Belichick’s grunts for Day’s trophy case.